What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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