she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
