K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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