i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
