So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
