Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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