I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
how drunk are you?
Several
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
