I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
