i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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