Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
