If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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