just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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