Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
