I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
