Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Quick, to the slutcave!
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
