Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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