Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
