someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He has the fingertips of a God
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