My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I would ride that face into the sunset
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
