meet me or not, i'm out of control
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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