I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize