if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
