how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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