I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I checked into jail on foursquare
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
