Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
