In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
