at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize