Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
