My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
