wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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