dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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