Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
