mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
