MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
