well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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