She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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