Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
