don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
my being single is dangerous.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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