tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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