I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
