nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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