So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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