Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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