is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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