He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
The best revenge is premature balding
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
