Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
