So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
