whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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