Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
