OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize