Hey man sorry I got all grabby
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
