That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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