He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
