So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
