you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
